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3 Key Points:
- Find out the REAL values that drive you every day and how to own them.
- Find out how to remove the roadblocks that stop you from focusing on the right things,
- Learn how to take things that so easily leave us feeling guilty because we’re not doing what everyone else wants or demand from us and turn it around.
Skip to: 03:24 I grew up thinking that I shouldn’t be here, thinking and feeling guilt, shame, all kinds of things, which led me to minimize and hide and literally undervalue myself and walking on eggshells.
Skip to: 07:14 Once you remove the guilt and shame, you start realizing, “Oh, I like this. Oh, I want that”. And you start seeing things and experiencing things that you may have denied yourself a long time…
Skip to: 12:10 The things that really matter to you, you have around you.
Skip to: 14:21 We may not see it because we are hypnotized to think, well, “I really want to do that”. No, you don’t. If you really want to do that, you will be doing that.
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Hey, what’s up my friends, welcome to a new BONUS episode of Halfass to Badass. In today’s episode, you’ll hear me teach a very important section from a 4-hour training I did for a live audience on New Year’s Day 2019.
It’s part two of this training so if you didn’t hear part one go back to episode 14 so you can get the big picture.
Part two here is about removing the roadblocks that stop people from focusing on the right things, the things that so easily can leave us feeling guilty because we’re not doing what everyone else wants or demand from us.
In this training, I help you identify your core values. I use a series of questions I learned from my friend and mentor Dr.John Demartini. It’s a great set of questions to give you clarity.
I have removed the live Q&A and coaching, I did a lot of hot seats with the participants but I want to protect their privacy so what you will hear is the training component.
My suggestion is that you listen and go through the training and actively do the work. You may want to stop and take notes after I ask the question. There are some natural pauses in this training. But this is a workshop so let’s get to it….
Before we do… here’s the intro…Values are the things you've learned to make important. Values are also the voids in your life.Click To Tweet
In other words, the areas where you feel things are missing, something it’s missing and you feel compelled, you feel driven to fill that void.
If I go back to my personal story, to give you a little background, I was not supposed to be here, technically. You may have heard the story, my mom was going to do an abortion, when my grandma walks in and tells her to go home and not do it. Literally, she’s on the abortion table.
A decision from my grandma and, a decision for my mom changed the trajectory of everything. Right? I’m here, but throughout my life, my mom told me many times that her life would’ve been so different, her life would’ve been so much better if she wouldn’t have had me. Better education, a better job, whatever. Right?
I grew up thinking that I shouldn’t be here, thinking and feeling guilt, shame, all kinds of things, which led me to minimize and hide and literally undervalue myself and walking on eggshells.
I don’t know if you know what I mean by that, but you know, walking on eggshells is like you’re walking and you’re being careful, right? You’re trying to not piss people off. You’re trying to not disappoint people try and not do things that are going to rock the boat. So I grew up that way in many ways.
Even though I also have the other side, which was very unlike this, that inner part of me that was, that was growing stronger, which is like the part of me who wanted to be rebellious, right? A part of me just wanted to do the opposite. I didn’t want to tippy-toe. I just wanted to be loud, right?
I just wanted to do things to challenge people. I had this great epiphany where I literally saw this stuff. The void was the feeling of not being good enough. The void was this feeling of not feeling that I was worth enough. And that became part of my mission; to help other people own their worth, right? Which also has to do with owning my worth.
So it’s a void. It’s something missing. We work really hard to fill that void, right? Freedom is extremely important to me. Something that I value highly. Freedom to be able to do what I want, when I want with whomever I want, and not having anybody telling me what I can and cannot do.
And that’s really strong in me because that’s a void. There’s a perception of something not being fulfilled.
So we chase that void to fulfill our values.
That’s one way of looking at it. So for that point, I want you to think about your values, right? Because values are what you’ve learned to make important. Like I said, usually based on your voids, and things you believe to be important and that may be missing. So you work to fulfill on those voids.
Sometimes that may come from someone telling you, “This is right, this is wrong”. And you learned that if I do what they want me to do, they’ll be happy with me. Right? If I please them, they’ll be happy with me. They will smile at me. They will tell me, “I love you. I love you son. I love your daughter.”
You’ll learn to value something because someone else values something. Someone that you respect, someone you admire. Okay?
If you admire and, respect someone, you may adopt their values because you believe it will buy you love and attention, respect, safety, all kinds of stuff, right?
Therefore, I want you to identify, what are your values? And sometimes, it’s not so easy to identify them because we lived for so long with our own values, being dominated by other people’s values.
Once you remove the guilt and shame, you start realizing, “Oh, I like this. Oh, I want that”. And you start seeing things and experiencing things that you may have denied yourself a long time because you believe, “I can’t”. I can’t behave this way because then people won’t like me. Or at least they will, they won’t respect me or they may not want to spend time with me”. Right?
Anything that’s going to try to pull you away from your tribe. But if you believe, and if you think that your tribe, really cares about you, I will like to rethink that a little bit because, and I’m not in a bad way. I’m saying they care and think about themselves just like you think and care about yourself. We all have our values, that people live according to their values.
Don’t ever think for a moment that people try intentionally to live into your values. People live into their own values. And some of them will meet somewhere, right? They’ll be able to coexist, which is great because that way you can contribute to each other. But people try to fulfill their own values, not yours. And that’s sometimes, it’s like taking a cold shower, right? It really wakes you up when you start seeing that, and it’s not a bad thing, right?
It’s not a good or a bad thing. It’s just a way for you to realize that you’re going to want to fulfill on your values, on your voids, on your desired targets.
While others are going to try to fulfill their desire, their voids, desire, and targets, right? So just get connected to what that is for you.
So here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m going to ask you a few questions and I want you to go grab a pen and paper, quickly. Or write on your phone or computer. Capture this.
I’m going to ask you a few questions and I just want to do, to be as present and as honest as you possibly can.
Before we, get started with the questions, I want you to just stand up for a moment.
Stand up wherever you are right now, stand up and shake your body. Shake your body out. And what I want to do for a moment, really quickly, and if you don’t know how to do this, just trust yourself.
Listen to your body and just go with it. So we’re here right now.
We’re going to stand up and you can stand right now like you feel complete certainty in your body. Complete certainty. Stand like when you’re in complete conviction in your body and you don’t question anything. Stand the way you stand, when you feel complete conviction, when you own your body breathing, the way you breathe, when you have complete conviction, when you feel unshakeable, when you’re standing strong, breathing tall, and put the look on your face like when you have certainty, when you have conviction, when you feel guided. Stand the way you stand when you know you are unshakable, where nothing can stop you.
I want you to breathe the way you breathe when you can feel it. I want you to stand that way right now. Breathe it and feel it. Put the look on your face when you have that and if you need to just put a smile on your face. Put a smile on your face like when you own it when you know when you have conviction when you have certainty when you have zero question in your body. Just own yourself right now. Own yourself at this very moment.
And what I want you to do, and we just going to take a few seconds on each one. About 30 seconds in each one. Just so you get to yourself to think and just write them down, right? And this is not meant to be the only time you do this. I want you to go deeper with this stuff but for the sake of our training and you being able to do this. I just want you to go for it. Okay? So grab a pen and paper or your computer or your phone. And what I want you to do right now is to stand up or sit down with energy, and I want you to answer the question…
How do you fill your space?
And what I mean by that is the things that really matter to you, you don’t hide, right? The things that matter to you, you keep around you, right? Like I have medals from when I became a world champion in karate from all of my years of competing, right? I have all these medals. I don’t have them, in sight. I don’t have them on my desk. They’re somewhere in some box, somewhere. Because they’re not relevant. They don’t really matter to me right now.
The things that really matter to you, you have around you.
Because if I look around my space, what matters to me are my books, my computer, my phone.
I have things on my wall, that I’ve written down so I can serve you. Things that help me create frameworks and stuff like that with sticky notes.
Books. Not any kind of books. There are a certain kind of books. Certain things you have around you….it may be pictures, maybe memorabilia. And maybe moments of travel, maybe something that you have. And I want you to write down the three items you fill your space with most. Think about that. What are the three items you fill your space with most? And if you’ve done this before, go deeper. Get more clarity around this.
Okay, don’t, just don’t sit there and think, “Oh, you know, I’ve done this”. Just get more clarity. What do you have around you? What dominates your space? Get more clarity on it.
What are the three items you fill your space with most? Okay?
How do you spend your time?
The question really is, what three actions do you spend your time on most? People say all the time, “I don’t have time to do what I really want to”.
The truth is, they’re too busy doing what is really most important to them, right? And what they think they want to be doing isn’t really what’s most important.
This is a key thing to really look at. I want you to shift your mind around this, right? You find time for things that are really, really important to you. Somehow you figure it out. That’s the thing sometimes we may not see it, right?
We may not see it because we are hypnotized to think, well, “I really want to do that”. No, you don’t. If you really want to do that, you will be doing that. You are not doing that. Therefore, it’s not that important to you. Don’t lie to yourself thinking that that thing is important to you when it isn’t.
Now you may show it in different ways and let me give you an example of that, right? So I spent a lot of time doing work, right? I love doing work. It’s not for the sake of doing work. I was asking myself this question the other day. “What was the market insight or incident as to why I started doing what I do?” And these words came to mind; because I saw a solution to human suffering. I saw a solution to human suffering. That’s why I’m doing what I’m doing today. I’m trying to fill that void. I’m trying to fill the thing that’s missing.
I’m not saying that people don’t have problems and challenges. That’s not what I’m talking about here, right? Cause I don’t believe we live in a world that doesn’t have challenges.
But there’s a big difference between suffering, right? And having to overcome obstacles and challenges in life. But that’s what I saw. I saw a solution to human suffering.
So I spend a lot of time, energy and focus on that. And so somebody who walks in into my home would say, “You don’t spend a lot of time with your kids”. I do spend time with them. And the time that I spend is focused on connecting with them and giving them the love that I want to give them. But if you compare me to my wife, you’ll be seeing completely different patterns, right?
What truly are her values? What she demonstrates is the kids are most important, right? And we show that in different ways.
So the vehicle that you use to, to demonstrate your values is not a sign of what you don’t value, or what you do value. Right? But what I’m saying is this, if you say you want to, lose 10 pounds, 20 pounds, 30 pounds, I don’t care what it is, right? You say you will lose weight. Right? But you’re not taking walks. You’re not caring about what you put in your mouth. You’re not moving in any way. You don’t have any activities. What you’re saying is that I have a fantasy about losing weight, but I’m not really that interested in it. I actually do value comfort more than moving values, eating whatever eating means, comfort, security, whatever that is, right?
I may enjoy connecting with my wife on the couch more than I like going, let’s say rock climbing. Look at it and see, where do you spend your time? What are the three actions you spend your time on most?
So here’s a time to be brutally honest with yourself. It’s not about judgment. So let me give you this little idea here…
Don’t look at this as a judgment. Be Curious, curious about this. Come from complete curiosity. Go like, “Huh? Interesting. Yeah. I just spent a lot of time over here. I say I want to spend time over there, but I’m spending time over here”. What are you actually spending time on? Okay, not what you think you should be spending time on, but what you actually spend time on.
How do you spend your energy, and what gives you energy?
So which three actions do you spend energy on, right? And that also gives you energy. And the reason I’m saying that is because a lot of times we, we know that when we doing something that we love doing is fuels us with energy, right? When we’re doing some that we hate, we can be completely drained and exhausted. That’s a sign, a very clear sign.The things that you value bring you energy. The things you don't value, drain your energy.Click To Tweet
That’s something you really want to take into account. Really be clear on that. In fact, when you do something you value highly, you have more energy afterward than when you started, because you’re doing something you love and you’re inspired by it. So which are the three actions you spend your energy on and where do you get your energy? Write down the top three.
How do you spend your money?
Same thing here. You find the money for things that are valuable to you, but you don’t want to spend money on things that really are not important to you. So your choice about spending money, tells you a great deal about what you value most.
So think about that because there are no victims here, right? There are no victims here. And we always pay things in the order of priority on how we actually value things. We may not think about that, but we do.
For me, for the last, 20 plus years, I’ve always had money for books. I’ve always had money for education, for trainings, courses. I always find the money for that. If I’m going to travel, I find the money for that, right? People that smoke always find the money for cigarettes. If you think about it, people that say they’re broke, always find the money for cigarettes, right? People that drink always find the money for alcohol.
We always find the money for what really matters. When I say what really matters, what you believe or you perceive matters, right? So what are three items you spend most of your money on and always find the money for?
Don’t write what you wish or hope the answer to be, I want you to think of what you actually spend your money on. Not what you think it should be or according to someone external authority or social idealism. The keys identify where or how you truly spend your money. Be honest about it. This is just about being curious, Huh? Hm. That’s what I do. Huh? Interesting and curious. Be Interested. No judgment, no criticism here. Just be completely curious because this will start to show you a pattern of where your values really are as opposed to what you think they should be.
Where are you most organized?
Okay, where are you most organized? Think about that. So we bring order in organizations and things that are important to us and we have chaos and disorder with things that are low on our values. So think about where do you have the greatest order? What do you have the greatest organization right in your life, in your business? Because that will give you a true sense of what matters to you. Whether that’s how you eat, with you’re clothing, right? Your wardrobe, your business, your finances, your spiritual rituals, your cooking area, your home. Where do you have the most order?
What are the three areas? All right. What are the three areas or three items, where you’re most organized? Key, very important. Look at that.
Where are you most reliable, disciplined and focused.
Okay, so here, this is one is critical. This is really important, one. Again, these are all these questions I’m giving you all just triggers to be on for you to see where the value is, right? This is not about social idealism and we’re not talking about, integrity, honesty, being nice. We’re not talking about that stuff.
We’re talking about the real stuff here. The real stuff that is asking you that your life is already demonstrating, not what you’ve been trained like a good dog wagging your tail and being a good puppy. No, no. We’re talking about where you actually are honest and truthful about what you value, right?
So where you are the most reliable, most disciplined, and most focused, are the things where nobody has to remind you or, push you or cajole you or in any way be, “Hey, go do this”. You don’t need that. You have an internal discipline, your internal reliability, you’re doing it right because you love those activities.
Which three activities are you most reliable or disciplined at doing?
What are you, where do you put your focus? Nobody has to remind me to have this conversation with you at this very moment, right? Other people, probably millions of people right now are lying somewhere with a hangover right now. You are not because you are here. You may be hungover, I don’t know, but you’re still here. So it demonstrates what you value. You’re getting this? That make sense?
You’re here because of your values and I wish, believe me, I wish we could have millions of people in this conversation, right this very moment? Because millions of people would really get a lot of value from this conversation. You agree? All right.
Unfortunately, most chose something else, but not everybody wants to be the best and everybody wants to, I mean, they may want, again, values, they may want to be a pro, they may want to be elite. They may want to be amazing, but they’re settling for many different reasons, right? So you’re here for reason, right?
You’re showing up here for something. For me, teaching, training, reading, and again, not reading about anything, reading about these kinds of things, neuroscience, personal productivity, behavior, right? All this kinda stuff that makes performance go to the next level. I love that. Therefore, I’m here on this conversation right now with you and, not laying in the bed with a hangover. Okay?
So what are the things that nobody has to remind you of? Nobody has to push you. Things you do naturally. Write those three things down.
What dominates your thoughts?
Think about that. What three things do you think about most? And when I’m saying this, I’m not talking about negative self-talk. I’m not talking about, you know, judgment and criticism, beating yourself up. I’m not talking about fantasies either. I’m not talking about the things that you should do or ought to do, I’m talking about what dominates your thoughts. What three things do you think about most?
This what we’re talking about today, this dominates my thoughts. I think about this in some way, shape, or form all the time. All the time. When I see interaction with people, I look at what they’re doing, how they’re interacting. I’m making evaluations based upon performance, based upon values, based upon, you know, things that are going to make things better.
Okay. So what’s dominating your thoughts? Which three things are you thinking about most? And a good way to think about this is also what are some of the things you think about most? That dominates your thoughts that also, somehow, doesn’t have to be fast, but slowly being brought into reality, right?
It’s not a fantasy. If I wanted to become, a tennis pro, but I don’t take lessons and I don’t, take any action towards becoming a tennis pro, it’s probably more of a fantasy, right? My thoughts are not dominated by it to the degree that I actually take action on it.
I read about business growth, business strategies. I read about personal development. I don’t read as much personal development anymore, because most of the stuff that is out there is unfortunately crap. But I do spend a lot of time researching and finding studies, things that have been proving the things that I’ve been teaching for years. But I’m looking for the edge. And when I see, I look for messaging, marketing messages because I believe that if I can influence the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of people in a way that’s going to serve them, that’s gonna make my work so much more powerful. So I always find ways of, how can I say this in a more powerful way? How can I say this in a more efficient way? That’s how I think.
What do you visualize most?
Again, I’m not talking about fantasies. I’m talking about what you visualize for your life, right? For your life, your Business, for your family, for your body that is slowly but surely coming and true. Okay?
In my case, I visualize myself teaching this kind of stuff and what am I doing? I’m teaching this kind of stuff, cool, huh? So think about it. What do you visualize most? What do you actually visualizing that you’re moving towards?
I’m not talking about you laying down in your bed visualizing Unicorns and money raining from the sky and it’s materializing, right? You’re swimming in cash in your bed. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about what kind of things am I doing consistently that is actually demonstrating that it’s happening. So I’m not just visualizing. What are you visualizing and, surely making real? What are the three outcomes? Three outcomes, three dreams, three goals, three targets that you’re most visualizing and realizing. It can be anything.
It can be eating healthy. You see yourself being full of energy, right? It can be running your business smoothly. I don’t know what you visualize, what do you visualize most?
What do you most often talk to yourself about?
What do you most often talk to yourself about? What are the internal conversations you have with yourself? And this may require a little bit more focus. What are you most often talking to yourself about? And I’m not talking about the negative, self-talk, I’m not talking about, fantasizing, making yourself, something you’re not. What do you talk to yourself about most? What are the three outcomes about your life, about you? How you love your life to be, What do you talk to yourself about most?
Write it down. Okay.
What do you talk to others about most?
I picture this in a couple of different ways. One, I noticed when I’m in a group of people and I’m just zoning out when I’m not there, that’s a good sign that whatever they’re talking about really is not in my value. It’s not an interest to me. I’m not curious to know more about it. And then there are other people conversations that I lean in and you physically lean in and you want to engage, you want to participate in the conversation, and notice what that is about.
Another way of looking at it as that what are conversations that are so boring that if you can cut in if you could jump in and cut in with something else, what would that something else be about? What’s the one thing that you would want to talk about instead? Which three topics do you keep wanting to talk to others about most? Write that down. Like, what are you talking about in social settings? What do you like? Notice when you get bored and notice we can get engaged and know what those topics are that you want to talk to people about. Write it down.
What inspires you?
Think about what inspired you in the past, who inspires you? Think about maybe a person who inspires you? What is common to the people that inspire you? What does it reveal about what you value most? Which three people or maybe three actions or outcomes that inspire you most? What is common to them? We’re looking for your values. We’re looking to see what is important to you? So what inspires you? What are the top three things that inspire you?
Again, not what you have learned or think should inspire you. What actually inspires you? What is your life demonstrating inspires you? I’m not looking for idealism here. I’m looking for real. I’m looking for authentic. I’m looking for raw. I’m looking for the truth. When you listen to you and not to your environment, what inspires you?
Next question. What are the most consistent long term goals, that you also realize?
Think about a long term goal, a long term dream, a long term vision, a long term thing that you want, that you’re also consistently moving towards. To do what I do today. I’ve been doing this for over 20 years. I mean I’ve been doing this since 1994 and in different forms, right? Whether as a martial arts teacher or doing what I’m doing today, it’s all about training, moving towards things that are gonna help me become physically, mentally, emotionally, stronger, faster, sharper.
It doesn’t mean that that has to be you. I’m saying what is it for you? What’s a goal? What’s the most consistent long term goals that you’re also realizing. Write down the top three.
What do you love to learn about most?
What topics do you study? What things inspire you the most when you read about them? Learn about them. Like I know exactly. If I would go into a bookstore, Barnes and Noble, any bookstore around the world, I know where I want to go first.
I go to history books. Just kidding. I won’t, right? I go to the areas that are psychology, personal growth business. Something about it and just I guess I’m just drawn there and I just look at the covers and I like to smell the books. That’s how weird I am. I just think books smell good. The paper smells good. Opening a new book.
Think about what is it that you love to learn most about? What is it about? What section in the bookstore? If you go online and you’re searching for something, what don’t you search for? Is there a certain kind of TV show or documentary you subscribe to? What’s something the top three answers to these questions will help you reveal your highest values?
You look into my library books, you’ll see business, personal development, health, relationships. You won’t see a romantic novel. You won’t see, cookbooks, well there some, but they are not mine. You won’t see books about knitting or you won’t see books about how to fix a car. You won’t see books about politics, but in someone else’s library you would, and we don’t care about other people right now. We care about you. What do you love to learn about most? The top three things write it down.
How’d you like that? Did you answer the questions? If you didn’t go back and do it. Remember change is not going to happen by listening to me passively. Actively get engaged and you will change how you think, feel, act and massively impact the success and fulfillment you’ll have in your life.
Next week… We’re going to get into part 3 where we get super clear on why you may have set a financial goal, business, health or relationship goal, and not achieved it and how do you change that? How do you set goals in alignment with your values so you move in one direction, and don’t get stuck in taking one step forward and two steps back? How do we stop feeling like a failure? How do you accelerate and create goals or targets you can depend on? I’m also going to reveal the Big G? What’s that? You’ve got to tune in to next week’s episode of Halfass to Badass!
Talk to you soon!